The price of peace

We live in a world where many people are willing to put up with anything and everything to reach their goals. Perhaps this is one of the things that most sets me apart from modern society. In my case, when something threatens my inner peace, I step away.

It doesn’t matter whether we are talking about money, love, relationships or family matters. The moment a situation starts to rob me of my calm, my sleep or the serenity of my soul, I find it enormously hard to carry on. I can’t pretend everything is fine. I can’t endure just for the sake of enduring.

The dilemma that stays with me

Perhaps it is a virtue. Perhaps it is a flaw. Perhaps it is just a trait of my personality. The truth is that, at thirty-two, I am still facing this dilemma.

Many people ask me why I am not married yet. The answer is not simple. Having someone in our life inevitably means leaving our comfort zone. It means sharing spaces, dreams, worries and responsibilities. It demands an emotional availability that, so often, I do not find within me.

Perhaps that is also one of the reasons for some of the failures I have had in life, whether in personal projects or in areas I know well. At times I lack the capacity to persist when everything becomes heavy. I lack the will to carry on when the price to pay is my peace.

The lessons of poverty

I admit there is a certain amount of selfishness in me. Or perhaps it is just an instinct for self-preservation. I often put myself first.

There is, however, one exception.

My mother.

The idea of seeing her suffer while I was doing well would be unbearable to me. The same is true, to some extent, of my sisters and closest relatives.

The seasons of the soul

As for me, I consider myself someone content with who I am. I don’t see myself as unhappy. But I don’t believe in permanent happiness either.

Now we are living through spring. Then summer will come. Later, autumn will arrive and, inevitably, winter. The human soul follows the same cycle.

There are moments of light and moments of shadow. There are periods of enthusiasm and periods of withdrawal.

We should welcome them all.

The cult of sacrifice

This doesn’t mean I don’t value effort. It only means I don’t believe every achievement justifies every sacrifice.

We live in a time when the messages are almost always the same: “go for it”, “fight to the end”, “suffer now to reap later”. Some people find inspiration in those words. I don’t.

I am not rich. Nor do I consider myself poor. I have always tried to live with dignity, securing what I consider essential for a simple and honest life.

The people I admire

That is why I confess that I admire certain people.

I admire those who sacrifice everything to reach an important position. I admire those who stay for years in a difficult relationship, believing that love will eventually change the other person. I admire those who constantly put others first.

It takes courage to live that way.

I am not like that.

The most precious thing

I simply believe there is a simple logic to life: if I lose my own existence, everything I have built will cease to matter.

The most precious thing I have is my life. It is my conscience. It is my ability to still be here.

That is why I must take care of it with dignity.

Society is made up of very different people. Each has their own way of feeling, loving, suffering and interpreting the world.

Returning to myself

I admire people who always seem happy, always smiling. I am not like that. I have days when I want to talk to everyone. But I also have days when all I want is silence.

There are times when I stop replying to my friends. Not because I think I am important. Not because I want to push them away. But because I need to return to myself.

I need to take refuge within myself.

In a world where everyone seems to be constantly looking for others, I try, every now and then, to find myself.

And perhaps that is exactly where I find my peace.